This has been a good week.  Not a great week in the housekeeping department, but a satisfactory one.  I had my clothes ready for the morning 6 days out of the seven.   I had my dishes done before bed all seven days.  I had my meals planned for all seven days, not all ahead, but before noon I knew what we were going to eat for supper that night.  I did laundry early and folded and put it away before bedtime.  I cleaned the front areas of the house and kept them looking basically tidy.  I am happy with what I accomplished, because if I can do this, it is the main key that keeps me happy.  If I do my job, I am happy.  The main thing I have to contend with is the days where my attitude, says, "why me?" Why do I have to follow my simple routines?  Why can't I just sit here and knit until my arm falls off and the house goes to pieces all around me, and no one has anything to eat?  The main reason is that I am really not happy doing it that way.  I might think so, but it isn't true. I do work outside the home a little bit, but the job I wanted and asked for was to manage my home.  There is no reason I can't do it and do it well.  I have the time.  It takes as much effort and skill to manage a home with young people in it, that it does to work anywhere else.  You just don't get paid money for it. You have to find compensation in other ways.  Mostly it has to be inside, and when you children are gone, hopefully they will remember.

So, we will see how next week goes.  I did some things I enjoy this week, too.  But, I am happy with the way this week went.  Next week, I have company again, and I usually get derailed in about anything when that happens, I haven't got the work/play/attitude ratio figured out for this one yet.

I'll keep you posted.

Listening is Better Than Talking

It's finally starting to cool down here in the midwest, actually I think according to the media, I'm in the Plains States.   It is funny to me to think that Minnesota to Missouri, and Iowa to Ohio are called mid-WEST states, when they aren't west at all. Then I googled "Great Plains States" and they are the Dakotas, on south and west to the Rockies.   I don't have a quarrel with the term "plains states", because they have a great many flat places.  But to call someting "mid-west" that is east of the middle just doesn't seem right.  It just bugs me.  Okay, okay, I'll get down off my soap box now and behave myself.  I think too many things bug me, or else I just like to sound off to other people and air my knowledge, or just show off.  That made me think of this quote from flylady I found a while back.


When you understand that the need to tell someone about yourself is no more than a need for attention, you can start right away to give yourself attention in the form of compassion, understanding, wisdom, guidance and love and the next time you are in a two-way conversation, you'll really listen. 


Do I need to tell people everything I know on a subject when it is brought up? No
Do I need to add something to every conversation?  No
Do I need to play "one upmanship" at any time in a conversation?  No
Do I need to pay attention to the person who is talking and notice what sort of conversation it is before I say anything?  Yes


I'm afraid I often say things to get attention, to prove to people that I know things, and that I am there next to them.    I also know that people really like to be listened to, and that would be a better place to fill than calling attention to myself.  


(Oops, this is nearly a repeat of an earlier post, oh well, this blog is for my own learning and benefit, and it I need it twice...so be it.)

I am a SAHM and I am Glad to Do it.

Disclaimer:  This article only applies to stay at home moms, not those who work outside of their home.  


I've been thinking lately of the privilege I have of being a stay at home mom.  I haven't had to go out to work to help out. We have a quieter life than most people and our kids don't have a huge amount of electronic gadgets.  We've had to learn to be careful with our spending.  Because of that, I've been thinking of the responsibilities of being a SAHM.  My job is to be manager of the home and I don't expect my husband to do things after he gets home from work that I am perfectly capable of doing.  The most important thing is making my home a nice place. You notice, I didn't say perfect.  I said a NICE place.  And by that I mean (if you have young children), you feed them, clothe them, and clean them.  I mean you should feed your husband when he gets home from work, make sure he has clean clothes and a path to walk through the house.  When the kids go to school, it should be more of the same, with better meals, more clean clothes and the path is a whole lot wider.  It's getting off the computer to fill the dishwasher or put a load in the washing machine in-between answering kids questions and rescuing them from the top of the fridge.  It's planning ahead a little so meat is thawed so dinner can be quick when your husband gets home to do rescuing duty.
I still am what I consider a stay at home mom, although I do work at our business 5-6 hours a week when the kids are in school or sleeping in in the summer. I know whereof  I speak.  I didn't always do well.  I didn't always have supper ready for my husband when he got home from work.  But I made it while he was watching the kids.  I couldn't get everything done, and he kindly helped me when I was overwhelmed, with dishes or laundry, vacuuming or mopping. Those were difficult years, and rather chaotic as anyone who stays home with young children knows.  Some days were bad, I would sit and let things pile up around me and be thankful that I wasn't chronically depressed, knowing that if I would get up and put one thing away, I could put away two or three or ten.  I knew I would feel better tomorrow.  But, then the kids went to school, their toys grew up and got fewer and didn't spend so much time in the living room.  They took some responsibility for their own things. And then, I began to see what a stay at home mom could be. I could manage the grocery budget better, I could keep the house cleaner, I could keep the laundry up, I could spend even more time on the computer, and with books and with yarn.  And I did.  And I didn't keep the house cleaner, but I still fed everybody and did laundry.

What I'm getting at, is that I know it is hard to keep things going with children, but if you are a stay at home mom, there is absolutely no reason to not feed your husband after he works all day, and to keep his clothes washed.  That's the privilege of being a stay at home mom, and not having to go out to work.  It's learning how to manage a home, and I mean everything from food to schedules.  It's what people do in an office.  It's a high calling to do it at home, and make a success of it.  It means getting off the computer and doing something whether you want to or not.

I have a busy life and cart kids around, but I can get the housework out of the way so that when my kids are home, they have ME, and I'm not rushing around finishing up things that should have been done long before. And you know, I like it, in fact, I love it.  I'm learning to love being a home manager, to have a nice tidy house most days, to look around and know things are under control most of the time.

And things will go out of control, this is real life we are talking about.  But, if you are used to working around and getting things done, it is a lot easier to get back in control when they do go out.

It still doesn't have to be perfect.

Toddlers

On my way out of Walmart this morning I saw a young mother holding her toddler by the hand as he unsteadily walked alongside the cart she was pushing.  He was a cute little guy with smooth brown hair cut in bangs over his eyes.  After my initial thought of what a cutie he was, and missing those times with my little ones, I thought how nice it was she was taking a little extra time to let him walk instead of hurrying him along.  I know there are times when you have to hurry along, but those babies grow up so fast, and then you will be raising teenagers and wish you had a toddler back again.  (At least you are bigger than they are.) It's important to take some time to slow down and enjoy them.

When we brought our daughter home, the hardest thing I had to get used to was not having any more time for myself.  All those fun things I had time to do before, even when I was working, well, there was just not enough time for it.  Gone where the days, when I could read all day, and then hurry up and get the house tidied up and a meal started before hubby came home.  (I do NOT recommend this method, it leaks over into the raising children side of your life, and then you are always playing catch-up and 40 years later writing about it on a blog on how not to live your life.)  I finally had my aha moment, that life wasn't about ME anymore.  It was about doing the best for this little girl that was so dependent on me for everything.  It was up to us to see that this child grew up to be a happy, healthy productive adult.  It's a huge responsibility that most people don't think about when they are wanting a baby.  I didn't spend as much time teaching them as I wish I would have, now that I am looking back.  I remember reading in "Laddie", by Gene Stratton Porter, about being the kind of person you want your children to be BEFORE they are born. We had a lot of fun when the kids were little, but I wasn't very good about keeping a tidy house.  I've never been very good about doing "just a little bit more" to make the next day easier. I was always seemed to be so tired all the time that I never seemed to get anything done at all. I never could seem to get everything done, it was usually three of four important jobs, cooking, laundry, dishes, or cleaning.    I know now, if I would have got up a done that "little bit more", I wouldn't have been so tired.  Doing something to better what is happening around me, makes me feel better by the end of the day.

I've Got Class

I am sorting through books these days in my attempts to get rid of a few more things in my house.  Being a true SHE (Side-Tracked Home Executive).  I do well about everyday tidying for a while and then something critical or more exciting comes up, and I get buried somewhere.  Nowhere is this more apparent than in my basement.  Right now it is a storage area for things I'm sure someone is going to need someday, including my children's toys that I hope they will play with at their house or mine.  I am going to need some granddaughters, since I have girl toys, too.  I also have the craft area and sewing room down there and during the last several months my daughter and I have been  making a mess  working down there. So, as I have started in the sewing area and going through projects that I will conceivably finish, and throwing out those I won't.; I have made my way to the book shelves.  I got rid of a box full, and separated another pile to read and keep or discard.  I found one called "Manners Now and Then", by May B. Van Arsdale and Mary Rebecca Lingenfelter.  It is written in 1940.  I was amused to find that some of the same bad manners they accuse of young people today, were a problem back then, too. I'm not keeping this book.  I don't feel it is an important resource for this day and age.  


But, I am digressing for the whole purpose of this post, which is to write down the few bits out of it that I want to keep.  


Chapter III
 Manners Begin at Home

"Home is the place where manners and charity as well as many other virtues should have their roots, and strong ones, too."
"The person who has always lived in an atmosphere of good breeding at home unconsciously radiates an air of gentility--or whatever you want to call that indefinable quality which we slangily speak of as 'class'. 


When I was in college I knew a girl, who I thought was the classiest girl I ever saw.  Even back then, I knew that class isn't something that you see on the outside of a person, it's what they are inside.  It's the way the behave, the way they treat other people, the words they use.  


I don't really have it.  I'm getting better.  I'm not as impatient as I was and I can control my temper better.  I have learned there are plenty of things people say that aren't worth getting worked up about.  The one thing that I have managed to achieve, is not taking offense by what others say.  Most people that say unkind things are just not thinking (I do that plenty, unfortunately)  or the people themselves don't matter.  


This poem reminded me of the attitudes I'd like to have:


Daily Creed
by Edgar Guest


Let me be a little kinder,
Let me be a little blinder,
To the faults about me
Let me praise a little more.
Let me be when I am weary,
Just a little bit more cheery,
Let me serve a little better
Those that I am striving for,
Let me be a little braver
When temptation bids me waver,
Let me strive a little harder
To be all that I should be.
Let me be a little meeker
To a brother that is weaker,
Let me think more of my neighbor
And a little less of me.


I know this little poem has been around for decades but it is just as needful today as it was then.  If I treat everyone, family,  friends, even strangers, if EVERYONE would treat others that way, we wouldn't have to worry about school shootings.  


I think I need to read it often.


This is the last little bit I wanted to save as a reminder to my kids.  Not that they will ever read it.


Chapter XI
How to Get on in Business


"A friendly, cheerful manner is one of the greatest assets anyone could have in business. There will be plenty of things about any job which will make you feel far from cheerful at times."
"If you have never learned before to conceal your own discouragement or irritation, and present a calm and cheerful exterior, you will have to learn it if you are trying to be successful in business." 
"Your usefulness will depend on how well you can adapt yourself to the circumstances of your job and the other people you work with."
"Good manners play an important part....In the rush of business, it may sometimes seem easier to crowd in front of someone else at a file, or to reach across a desk for papers that you must have in a hurry.   ....No matter what the rush, there is always time for a word of apology or explanation...."


Courtesy and patience, that's all it takes.  


And lest I let a post go by without a mention of Flylady.  If you use her principles of "being kind to yourself" and "do it now", so you are ahead of the game instead of behind, it's easier.  

Now It's My Turn

Last weekend, I was the company.  My family and I visited my folks for one last visit before some of my family moved across the country.  Since starting this blog I am more aware of my actions and how I behaved at my folks.  When I was first married and even when I had young children, I could find a lot of ways to stay out of the kitchen.  It was mostly I didn't like to do the work, and I was TIRED in those days.  I remember visiting my grandparents, and mom and all the aunts would be working away in the kitchen at meal times, cooking and cleaning up, and the kids were usually as far away as they could get.  I supposed someday it would be my turn.  My turn has come, and strangely enough I don't mind it.  I wonder if it is because I know I won't have my mother with me forever (we are all getting older and it is happening way too fast), or if it is just that I just do it since I'm supposed to be a big girl and big girls help out.  Big girls don't let someone else do everything for them.  And they don't let their mothers, who might be great-grandparents now, do it all either. It was nice.  We cooked, and I cleaned counters and dishes as I went.  I saw things that needed to be done and did them.  No complaining, no fussing. (inside or out), just see the job, find the job and do it.
This attitude has been coming on for a few years, but I'm recognizing the fact today that I'm there. I'm working in my mother's kitchen and enjoying it. I never wanted to do housework for so many years, and part of it is I would rather do something that I like to do instead of something that will promote someone else's happiness and the happiness of my home. That idea is really just selfishness, "I don't want to work so I won't, I just want to have fun." I try to have the attitude around home, 'do the tidying up and cleaning first then play'.  I do find I have less time to play, but I'm enjoying my tidying up so that is part of the fun.  I don't spend all my time cleaning either, and I would spend less if I could focus on the jobs more effectively. It's one of the things I'm working on.  Even a little bit done is better than nothing.

Getting Started

First let it be known that I am basically a nice person. I make sure my family has clean clothes (sometimes I slip up), good food (according to my husband, my kids don't like much of anything I do right now), and a clean house (not always a tidy one).  I believe in good values, honesty, integrity, virtue, purity, kindness, etc. I like people and I like to do things for them.  But, I'm not a finished product yet.  The sad part of all this is that I'm in my mid 40's and I'm just now getting it together.  I've spent most of my life with an underlying unhappiness that is my own doing.  I'm not grabbing life to the fullest with both hands.  I'm spending too much time worrying about what others think, too much time thinking of why I feel the way I do, and not enough time loving the people around me and doing things for them.  

I wrote in my journal a year ago hoping to see more progress this year, and there is progress just not as much as I hoped, but going in the right direction. 

I started a new journal in May of 2010 to write down my thoughts so I could really see what I am, what's bothering me, and what I can do to make me a happier person.  A happier person is a nicer person to everyone. This must be about 6 months after I found flylady.

Fly lady has had a profound influence on my life.  I don't follow her plan exactly, because I resist having a written routine to do the same things every day. Rebellion just seems to rise up inside me when I see it, so I've  incorporated some of her ideas, very slowly so I'm doing nice housekeeping things by habit, not with a list breathing down my neck.  I read her emails, and they really do help, so that when I'm wandering around the house getting things done, I hear "do it now", "make it easier on yourself", "a little in better than nothing", "set your timer for 15, 7, 5, or even 2 minutes, and focus on doing something".  Oh, flylady isn't for everyone, but it helps me see that just doing housework in a timely manner not only blesses my family, it blesses me. So, then I do those things mentioned in the first paragraph, and I'm learning to like to do them.  

Here's that first journal entry:

"I usually journal so that it wouldn't matter who reads my stuff, but this time I hope this journal will show my own journey to happiness.  I'm not really unhappy, but I'm not as happy as I could be because I don't treat my husband as nicely as I should   The other thing is I eat too much.  I eat when I'm bored, depressed, unhappy, sick or anxious. I'm hoping by writing these things down, I can change or fix them. I need to live my life with (new grandson at home 24/7) in it, not fighting the fact that he's there and I can't get anything done.  I need to work with my problems not fight them. 

I haven't made as much progress as I wish I had since then, and I'm ready for more. My grandson is out of the house now, living with his mother and her husband.  I sit less, and do more.  Sometimes I even do my work before I play.  Most of the time I start early on supper for my family.  I tidy up most days early in the morning, if I didn't do it before bed.  I check my calendar for today's plans.   I write them on a dry erase board so everyone knows. I do laundry as needed and don't let it pile up, (Now the folding and putting away is put off sometimes).  I try to have my dishes done and my sink cleaned out before I go to bed.  I wipe up my bathroom every other day.  I don't step over things, I put them away.  I exercise or work in the flower garden.  And I like it. I have more energy, and I'm happier. Oh, this isn't to say these things happen perfectly every day.  Some days I'm just too tired to care about anything, or too lazy, or too something.  But, it's getting to be 5 days out of seven, and I feel better/happier when I've accomplished something that benefits my family.  

It ISN'T all about me. It's about what I can do for my family first, then I'll see what I can do for some others outside of it.