This has been a good week.  Not a great week in the housekeeping department, but a satisfactory one.  I had my clothes ready for the morning 6 days out of the seven.   I had my dishes done before bed all seven days.  I had my meals planned for all seven days, not all ahead, but before noon I knew what we were going to eat for supper that night.  I did laundry early and folded and put it away before bedtime.  I cleaned the front areas of the house and kept them looking basically tidy.  I am happy with what I accomplished, because if I can do this, it is the main key that keeps me happy.  If I do my job, I am happy.  The main thing I have to contend with is the days where my attitude, says, "why me?" Why do I have to follow my simple routines?  Why can't I just sit here and knit until my arm falls off and the house goes to pieces all around me, and no one has anything to eat?  The main reason is that I am really not happy doing it that way.  I might think so, but it isn't true. I do work outside the home a little bit, but the job I wanted and asked for was to manage my home.  There is no reason I can't do it and do it well.  I have the time.  It takes as much effort and skill to manage a home with young people in it, that it does to work anywhere else.  You just don't get paid money for it. You have to find compensation in other ways.  Mostly it has to be inside, and when you children are gone, hopefully they will remember.

So, we will see how next week goes.  I did some things I enjoy this week, too.  But, I am happy with the way this week went.  Next week, I have company again, and I usually get derailed in about anything when that happens, I haven't got the work/play/attitude ratio figured out for this one yet.

I'll keep you posted.

I am a SAHM and I am Glad to Do it.

Disclaimer:  This article only applies to stay at home moms, not those who work outside of their home.  


I've been thinking lately of the privilege I have of being a stay at home mom.  I haven't had to go out to work to help out. We have a quieter life than most people and our kids don't have a huge amount of electronic gadgets.  We've had to learn to be careful with our spending.  Because of that, I've been thinking of the responsibilities of being a SAHM.  My job is to be manager of the home and I don't expect my husband to do things after he gets home from work that I am perfectly capable of doing.  The most important thing is making my home a nice place. You notice, I didn't say perfect.  I said a NICE place.  And by that I mean (if you have young children), you feed them, clothe them, and clean them.  I mean you should feed your husband when he gets home from work, make sure he has clean clothes and a path to walk through the house.  When the kids go to school, it should be more of the same, with better meals, more clean clothes and the path is a whole lot wider.  It's getting off the computer to fill the dishwasher or put a load in the washing machine in-between answering kids questions and rescuing them from the top of the fridge.  It's planning ahead a little so meat is thawed so dinner can be quick when your husband gets home to do rescuing duty.
I still am what I consider a stay at home mom, although I do work at our business 5-6 hours a week when the kids are in school or sleeping in in the summer. I know whereof  I speak.  I didn't always do well.  I didn't always have supper ready for my husband when he got home from work.  But I made it while he was watching the kids.  I couldn't get everything done, and he kindly helped me when I was overwhelmed, with dishes or laundry, vacuuming or mopping. Those were difficult years, and rather chaotic as anyone who stays home with young children knows.  Some days were bad, I would sit and let things pile up around me and be thankful that I wasn't chronically depressed, knowing that if I would get up and put one thing away, I could put away two or three or ten.  I knew I would feel better tomorrow.  But, then the kids went to school, their toys grew up and got fewer and didn't spend so much time in the living room.  They took some responsibility for their own things. And then, I began to see what a stay at home mom could be. I could manage the grocery budget better, I could keep the house cleaner, I could keep the laundry up, I could spend even more time on the computer, and with books and with yarn.  And I did.  And I didn't keep the house cleaner, but I still fed everybody and did laundry.

What I'm getting at, is that I know it is hard to keep things going with children, but if you are a stay at home mom, there is absolutely no reason to not feed your husband after he works all day, and to keep his clothes washed.  That's the privilege of being a stay at home mom, and not having to go out to work.  It's learning how to manage a home, and I mean everything from food to schedules.  It's what people do in an office.  It's a high calling to do it at home, and make a success of it.  It means getting off the computer and doing something whether you want to or not.

I have a busy life and cart kids around, but I can get the housework out of the way so that when my kids are home, they have ME, and I'm not rushing around finishing up things that should have been done long before. And you know, I like it, in fact, I love it.  I'm learning to love being a home manager, to have a nice tidy house most days, to look around and know things are under control most of the time.

And things will go out of control, this is real life we are talking about.  But, if you are used to working around and getting things done, it is a lot easier to get back in control when they do go out.

It still doesn't have to be perfect.

To School or Not to School

I was looking around for something to do since I'm on one of my, "let's find something to do rather than sit at the computer all day" kicks.  I seem to have a problem with this getting up and getting lots of things done.  Now, that doesn't mean that NOTHING is done.  Today's load of laundry is drying, the dishes are done, the house is picked up, the bed is made.  I should be sewing. or clearing out or something.  I'm enjoying these days where the kids don't make huge messes, and savoring the last days before school starts.  Then I will be back on the "responsibility for more than me" wagon again.  It isn't just the kids that go back to school.  It's the moms, too.  After all, who makes sure the kids get out of the door in the morning, hopefully with breakfast.  Who makes sure they are ready to go the night before.  Who drives them every morning and picks them up every night.  Who tries to teach them that keeping on top of homework and housework, means an easier time for themselves as well as the mom.  Oh, sure, my kids are big enough to do all these things, but it goes a lot easier if I keep an eye on how well they are handling the stress.  Because, if they can't handle it, then everything goes south with the rest of us.

So, I can't decide if I am ready for school to start or not.  I like being able to work on a project past 3:00.  Because once the kids come home, it is "their" time until time for bed.  I seem to have a hard time getting started on projects early in the morning.  I do like routine (meaning morning starts the same way and we have supper at a normal time), and having everyone home in the evenings, but the older the kids get, the more evening events they have, and then so much for any sort of routine.  I keep reminding myself that these days don't last very long, and when they are gone, I will be wondering where they went, and maybe even wanting a little more busyness around here.

I'm looking forward to cooler days, and cooler nights, for school time curfews, and tied down kids, for time to myself without worrying where the kids are, and time to remember I don't have much more time to teach these kids how life needs to be lived.

Now, to get on with the rest of it, lunch dishes, folding the laundry, and finding a project to do.

Toddlers

On my way out of Walmart this morning I saw a young mother holding her toddler by the hand as he unsteadily walked alongside the cart she was pushing.  He was a cute little guy with smooth brown hair cut in bangs over his eyes.  After my initial thought of what a cutie he was, and missing those times with my little ones, I thought how nice it was she was taking a little extra time to let him walk instead of hurrying him along.  I know there are times when you have to hurry along, but those babies grow up so fast, and then you will be raising teenagers and wish you had a toddler back again.  (At least you are bigger than they are.) It's important to take some time to slow down and enjoy them.

When we brought our daughter home, the hardest thing I had to get used to was not having any more time for myself.  All those fun things I had time to do before, even when I was working, well, there was just not enough time for it.  Gone where the days, when I could read all day, and then hurry up and get the house tidied up and a meal started before hubby came home.  (I do NOT recommend this method, it leaks over into the raising children side of your life, and then you are always playing catch-up and 40 years later writing about it on a blog on how not to live your life.)  I finally had my aha moment, that life wasn't about ME anymore.  It was about doing the best for this little girl that was so dependent on me for everything.  It was up to us to see that this child grew up to be a happy, healthy productive adult.  It's a huge responsibility that most people don't think about when they are wanting a baby.  I didn't spend as much time teaching them as I wish I would have, now that I am looking back.  I remember reading in "Laddie", by Gene Stratton Porter, about being the kind of person you want your children to be BEFORE they are born. We had a lot of fun when the kids were little, but I wasn't very good about keeping a tidy house.  I've never been very good about doing "just a little bit more" to make the next day easier. I was always seemed to be so tired all the time that I never seemed to get anything done at all. I never could seem to get everything done, it was usually three of four important jobs, cooking, laundry, dishes, or cleaning.    I know now, if I would have got up a done that "little bit more", I wouldn't have been so tired.  Doing something to better what is happening around me, makes me feel better by the end of the day.

It's All in the Attitude

I have a confession to make. I don't like to clean. But I like even less a huge mess around me. I used to be too tired to care.  When my children were younger, I couldn't seem to get it all done anyway, so I read books.  That was before facebook and google.  I didn't waste my time on the computer, I read.  So, I didn't do my work.  I didn't want to.  You would think I had all the time in the world, being a stay at home mom.  Well, I didn't have all the time in the world, raising children can wreak havoc on even the best of intentions.  But, I could have had more time, if I just DID something.  As the kids got bigger and the toys were fewer, I could keep things tidier without much effort.  Sometimes I would have to just ban books for awhile in order to get things done.   I don't seem to have much control when I'm reading.  When you use things to escape reality, you can get into trouble. When it interferes with relationships and taking care of your family, it's too much.  I've also discovered over my years of living that when I pretend, or just get up and do SOMETHING, it sort of feeds on itself.  It feels good to get some housework done.  I feel better at the end of the day and that helps the whole management of the house and family thing go more smoothly.

That's the whole point.  I don't feel good about myself or what I've done if I don't do anything all day.  I've chosen this job, do be a home manager instead of a working outside the home.  It's a real job, too.  A home can be manged effectively and efficiently.  It can also be managed well enough so everyone is happy, has clean clothes, food to eat, and can walk around the house without being in danger of killing themselves. I learned to write things down so I don't forget them.  I learned to do my work and play later.  I found the Flylady. I don't follow her instructions to the letter.  She even says herself, to take what she has and make it work for yourself.  I was heading in the direction she takes you.  It sure makes for a better attitude and a better looking house, if you just put forth a little effort every day.  I have learned more from just reading the emails for the general attitude adjustments, than anything else.

I wish I would have known flylady when the kids were little.  Would I have used her ideas and tips?  How hard would it be with little kids to just "get up and go" with the little things that make the house look better and everyone gets fed?  I don't know, because I didn't try it.  I don't say I never cleaned.  Every couple of weeks, I would really clean up the house and make the main living areas look good.  But it wasn't an everyday affair. The main thing, I think, needs to be, work a little, you'll feel better, and take care of your families needs, and then just do a little more.

Getting Started

First let it be known that I am basically a nice person. I make sure my family has clean clothes (sometimes I slip up), good food (according to my husband, my kids don't like much of anything I do right now), and a clean house (not always a tidy one).  I believe in good values, honesty, integrity, virtue, purity, kindness, etc. I like people and I like to do things for them.  But, I'm not a finished product yet.  The sad part of all this is that I'm in my mid 40's and I'm just now getting it together.  I've spent most of my life with an underlying unhappiness that is my own doing.  I'm not grabbing life to the fullest with both hands.  I'm spending too much time worrying about what others think, too much time thinking of why I feel the way I do, and not enough time loving the people around me and doing things for them.  

I wrote in my journal a year ago hoping to see more progress this year, and there is progress just not as much as I hoped, but going in the right direction. 

I started a new journal in May of 2010 to write down my thoughts so I could really see what I am, what's bothering me, and what I can do to make me a happier person.  A happier person is a nicer person to everyone. This must be about 6 months after I found flylady.

Fly lady has had a profound influence on my life.  I don't follow her plan exactly, because I resist having a written routine to do the same things every day. Rebellion just seems to rise up inside me when I see it, so I've  incorporated some of her ideas, very slowly so I'm doing nice housekeeping things by habit, not with a list breathing down my neck.  I read her emails, and they really do help, so that when I'm wandering around the house getting things done, I hear "do it now", "make it easier on yourself", "a little in better than nothing", "set your timer for 15, 7, 5, or even 2 minutes, and focus on doing something".  Oh, flylady isn't for everyone, but it helps me see that just doing housework in a timely manner not only blesses my family, it blesses me. So, then I do those things mentioned in the first paragraph, and I'm learning to like to do them.  

Here's that first journal entry:

"I usually journal so that it wouldn't matter who reads my stuff, but this time I hope this journal will show my own journey to happiness.  I'm not really unhappy, but I'm not as happy as I could be because I don't treat my husband as nicely as I should   The other thing is I eat too much.  I eat when I'm bored, depressed, unhappy, sick or anxious. I'm hoping by writing these things down, I can change or fix them. I need to live my life with (new grandson at home 24/7) in it, not fighting the fact that he's there and I can't get anything done.  I need to work with my problems not fight them. 

I haven't made as much progress as I wish I had since then, and I'm ready for more. My grandson is out of the house now, living with his mother and her husband.  I sit less, and do more.  Sometimes I even do my work before I play.  Most of the time I start early on supper for my family.  I tidy up most days early in the morning, if I didn't do it before bed.  I check my calendar for today's plans.   I write them on a dry erase board so everyone knows. I do laundry as needed and don't let it pile up, (Now the folding and putting away is put off sometimes).  I try to have my dishes done and my sink cleaned out before I go to bed.  I wipe up my bathroom every other day.  I don't step over things, I put them away.  I exercise or work in the flower garden.  And I like it. I have more energy, and I'm happier. Oh, this isn't to say these things happen perfectly every day.  Some days I'm just too tired to care about anything, or too lazy, or too something.  But, it's getting to be 5 days out of seven, and I feel better/happier when I've accomplished something that benefits my family.  

It ISN'T all about me. It's about what I can do for my family first, then I'll see what I can do for some others outside of it.