Just Say "No"

I have been having good days.  I don't think I worry about the state of my life or the country as much when I am busy.  I blog more when things I'm worrying I guess.  Today I did something that I'm glad I did.  I didn't let my daughter talk me into something I didn't want her to do.  I have spent my life doing that while raising up my other kids.  There are times that "nos" can be changed to "yes", but I had a good reason today and I stood my ground.   What I don't understand is why I feel so bad afterwards.  I know I don't like conflict, I don't like to make decisions, I don't like to listen to annoyed children.  I have learned over the past few years that I need to stand my ground and sometimes I can.  It is very important for children not to have all their desires granted.  I think I'm getting better, but I still don't like it much.  I'm more likely to go into 'avoidance' mode and ignore problems, which of course, does not make them better, and very often makes them worse.
I am learning to face other things head on and get them done, like income taxes, and business needs.  What I need most is to just take the time to THINK about things.  I had big ideas about writing things to change the world, when I need to write things to change MY world.  I'm not sure that needs to be public.

It's Hard to Grow Up

It is amazing the way a mind works. I know that when it comes to being a teenager that anything they feel is about 10 times what you feel as an adult, partly because they don't have the experience to put life's triumphs and disappointments in perspective, but also because their brains aren't fully developed.  The part that deals with being reasonable hasn't kicked in yet.  I know when I was a kid I was afraid of about everything.  I worried about things that were unlikely to happen as well.  It did, however, keep me out of a lot of trouble. The one thing I remember very clearly was that I didn't want to do anything or be anywhere that would make me lose control of myself or my circumstances.  I had a lot of respect that was tempered with fear of my parents.  Oh, there were things that I would change about my growing up, and there where things that I didn't do because my parents did.  One thing I wish for now in raising my own kids, is that I would have made them a little more afraid of me.  It helps them keep on the straight and narrow.
Anyway, we are living with a situation that I never thought  I would have to.  This situation of having a child leave home in less than ideal circumstances, and with the thought that my child is out there telling people that we are bad people, is rather hard to take.  And he isn't being very nice to us either.
I know I let the kids manipulate me more than they should have.   I guess I wasn't smart enough or confident enough to know what was going on, and after the fact, it is hard to go back and fix it.  I'm not sure if he is going to battle with a plan or if it is just a product of a mind that is trying very hard to get what he wants by working on other people and us.  He is telling other people untruths about how he left home and they are believing him.  I don't have much respect for the people he is with.  I wonder about people who are willing to take in a teenager on the strength of his word alone.  I think that he as well as his champions are just trying to intimidate us.  If they really thought something should be done, wouldn't they call social services?
Anyway, I am being very careful what I say to anyone, what I text to him or anyone wanting to know about him.  I have written down what happened on that fateful night.
I just wonder where his mind is.  Does he really believe what he says about us, what the facts are, what really happened?  I know that when one looks back on events, children especially get a twisted view that is all tangles up in their feelings. I can't really explain what I am thinking.  He is a very proud, stubborn kid.  If he is waiting for us to beg him to come home, it isn't going to happen.  I've told him several times that he can come home. I am limiting contact, because I'm not going to let him be rude to me. I feel very sorry for him.  All he can see is the version of events as he sees it.  I suppose it is something like he has to do that in his own mind, so he doesn't have to admit that he is wrong.  It is too bad that life is going to have to teach him what we can't.
 For awhile now, he hasn't been wanting any guidance from us, or any house rules.  You know the ones, "I want to know where you are, who you are with, and where you are going, and what you are going to do while you are there.  And come home at curfew and go to school."  I didn't realize I was such an evil person. No wonder he left.

You Can't Parent From a Chair

I was thinking about my parenting style the other day.  I’m not terribly impressed with my parenting or lack thereof when my kids where little.  I could have done a better job.  I could have yelled less and followed through more. I should have made them do more chores and given in to them less.  I was lazy then and I sometimes want to be lazy now, but I've learned a few things.  One of those things is that you can’t parent from a chair.

I’ve been practicing on my grandchild.  When I have him, I give him fewer snacks so he’ll eat at meal time, like his mom does. I chase him down and put him in time out right away instead of trying to reason with him, like his daddy does.  I could list a whole bunch of things about raising children, but for the toddler sort, the best way to do it is to chase them down to prevent or punish certain behaviors, so they know I mean it, so they know consistency, so they learn obedience earlier.

I don’t know that if I would have been more diligent and less wishy-washy with my kids when they were toddlers, if things would have gone better when they were teenagers.  I just don’t know.  What I do know is I’m not going to undermine my children’s discipline with their own children and I’m going to chase those kids down and make them mind when they need it. It isn’t easy, it isn’t fun, but it is necessary.  Necessary for children to grow up to respect others and themselves, and be able to make the best life for themselves and society. 

Adoption Picnic

This weekend we went on a special picnic.  Our kids are adopted, you see, and this is the first time we’ve had an organized picnic with all of the maternal birth family.  We’ve seen them all from time to time at various events where our paths have crossed over the years.  We’ve never made it a secret that our children were adopted, nor have we kept it a secret who this birth family is. 

Adoption is very dear to my heart.  We have adoptions of various kinds in our family.  My brother is adopted with a closed adoption, as they all were, years ago.  He has now adopted his step-children.  We have two adopted children in an open adoption. (Same birth mother) Ours isn’t a wide open adoption, we've exchanged letters and pictures and a few visits, but not very much.  I was thinking today that they have behaved perfectly as a birth family, just the right amount of contact. We couldn’t have had a better experience.

It isn’t easy giving a baby up for adoption. It has to be on of the hardest thing a young woman can ever do. Those that think teen moms are making life easier for themselves are wrong. I’m sure they think about that baby they’ve given away.  The openness of letters and pictures must help, as they can see how they change as they grow.  I really admire those young women who can give up something so much a part of themselves to someone else, knowing they no longer will have control over that life. I know these things. My daughter had a baby while still in high school. She made the decision to keep her baby.  We encouraged her to look into adoption, remembering what her birthmother had done for us. There were many people who have said to us “how can you even THINK of giving that precious life to someone else”.  I can think of it because, that is how I received two of my children.  I can think of it, because I believe children need a two parent home.  I can think of it, because there are couples out there wanting a baby of their very own.  I love my grandson.  I love to have him in my house.  I love him enough to know he and his mother needed to live with us, because he needed a stable home, even if it wasn’t parents.  I love him enough that if my daughter had decided to give him up for adoption, I would have let him go.

I hope we too, have made the experience a good one for the birth family.  I’ve never felt threatened by the kids' birth family or my kids knowing just who that “other family” is.  All kids at sometime or another are going to express the wish that we aren’t their parents, and that we never had been.  That happens to most parents, adoptive or not.  We’ve had these children since they were a few days old and what we have given them no one else can take away.  

Here is a link about an adoption story.  It also tells her story about searching for her birth parents.  In it is something everyone touched by adoption can enjoy.   http://growup318.com/igrewinhertummy/