Avoiding Real Life Doesn't Help

I'm an avoider.  I don't like to face any problems head on, I would rather drift off into no man's land and pretend they never happened.

That said, I don't really want to live that way.  If you want to go through life in a numbed state of consciousness, not only will you miss things, but you won't enjoy them either.  You will come to the end of your life and wonder what happened.  It would be a sorry thing to never have loved enough, enjoyed enough, suffered enough, to make a difference in your own life, and well as others.

I am looking at the beginning of a new year, just around the corner.  I have had a pretty good month.  There have been good days and bad ones.  Thankfully, no "stop the world, I want to get off" moments.  It helps to be busy.  I'm looking after grandkids again.  So, I'm more organized.  There are some days I can't plan on getting anything done, so meals and jobs need to be prepared for and completed ahead of time.  Anything I DO get done on those days, is a bonus.

I'm happier doing things this way.  It feels good at the end of the day, to sit down and reflect.  Everybody ate, the dishes are done, the laundry is done, and the house is tidy.   (Not perfect, just tidy) And on those days, when I spend the entire day out, doing errands, my part-time job and grocery shopping, I just remember, how lucky I am to have the health, and energy to do the work I can do to keep my home managed and my family happier.

You Can't Parent From a Chair

I was thinking about my parenting style the other day.  I’m not terribly impressed with my parenting or lack thereof when my kids where little.  I could have done a better job.  I could have yelled less and followed through more. I should have made them do more chores and given in to them less.  I was lazy then and I sometimes want to be lazy now, but I've learned a few things.  One of those things is that you can’t parent from a chair.

I’ve been practicing on my grandchild.  When I have him, I give him fewer snacks so he’ll eat at meal time, like his mom does. I chase him down and put him in time out right away instead of trying to reason with him, like his daddy does.  I could list a whole bunch of things about raising children, but for the toddler sort, the best way to do it is to chase them down to prevent or punish certain behaviors, so they know I mean it, so they know consistency, so they learn obedience earlier.

I don’t know that if I would have been more diligent and less wishy-washy with my kids when they were toddlers, if things would have gone better when they were teenagers.  I just don’t know.  What I do know is I’m not going to undermine my children’s discipline with their own children and I’m going to chase those kids down and make them mind when they need it. It isn’t easy, it isn’t fun, but it is necessary.  Necessary for children to grow up to respect others and themselves, and be able to make the best life for themselves and society. 

I Made it Through

One thing I really enjoy about growing up is that I can handle more busy days in a row, without having to succumb to a headache halfway through.  I also like the fact that I can get by on less sleep.  I guess that is what having teenagers does for you.  You lose sleep, but you don't have to pick up after them.
Fourth of July week was one of those weeks I thought would never end, I just went from high point to high point, or from one event to another.  With the holiday on one end and a baby shower on the other, I had to keep things tidy and going.  My daughter and family were here from Sunday to Tuesday.  We had two days of picnicking, fireworks, swimming and food.  This was my daughter's baby shower, she's expecting another this summer and we are eagerly waiting his coming. An old friend came early with her mother so I was getting ready with extra company.  Luckily, they were perfect company, helping when I needed help and staying out of the way when I didn't.  We had 'home meetings' both Sunday and Wednesday here, which helped keep the cleanness going.  Thursday was the big day, and my youngest daughter hosted the party beautifully, people stayed to visit.  We tidied up enough to keep the bugs away and went to bed.  My mom did the big washing up in the morning, our company left and we were back in business.

Then it was some shopping business with my mom.  It was nice to have her here for a couple of days, and to do some fun things together.  I actually bought a new skirt and top.  I haven't bought anything new for a VERY long time.  Usually I only see the inside of the Good Will when it is time for new clothes.  (And very nice ones, have I found in there, you just have to look.)

So, then, Mom left Sat. On Friday evening, hubby went to get grandson number one for the weekend. So, we weren't done yet, but I began to wish I was.  I wanted to have some time to sit down and regroup.  And that for sure doesn't happen with a toddler.  But, Sunday rolled around again, I cooked supper for my daughter and family and some extra friends with three teenagers again, everybody was gone by 9, and I WAS DONE.

Then we got a call that detasseling starts in two days, and it was time to start planning again.

Ah, real life, what would we do without it?

Adoption Picnic

This weekend we went on a special picnic.  Our kids are adopted, you see, and this is the first time we’ve had an organized picnic with all of the maternal birth family.  We’ve seen them all from time to time at various events where our paths have crossed over the years.  We’ve never made it a secret that our children were adopted, nor have we kept it a secret who this birth family is. 

Adoption is very dear to my heart.  We have adoptions of various kinds in our family.  My brother is adopted with a closed adoption, as they all were, years ago.  He has now adopted his step-children.  We have two adopted children in an open adoption. (Same birth mother) Ours isn’t a wide open adoption, we've exchanged letters and pictures and a few visits, but not very much.  I was thinking today that they have behaved perfectly as a birth family, just the right amount of contact. We couldn’t have had a better experience.

It isn’t easy giving a baby up for adoption. It has to be on of the hardest thing a young woman can ever do. Those that think teen moms are making life easier for themselves are wrong. I’m sure they think about that baby they’ve given away.  The openness of letters and pictures must help, as they can see how they change as they grow.  I really admire those young women who can give up something so much a part of themselves to someone else, knowing they no longer will have control over that life. I know these things. My daughter had a baby while still in high school. She made the decision to keep her baby.  We encouraged her to look into adoption, remembering what her birthmother had done for us. There were many people who have said to us “how can you even THINK of giving that precious life to someone else”.  I can think of it because, that is how I received two of my children.  I can think of it, because I believe children need a two parent home.  I can think of it, because there are couples out there wanting a baby of their very own.  I love my grandson.  I love to have him in my house.  I love him enough to know he and his mother needed to live with us, because he needed a stable home, even if it wasn’t parents.  I love him enough that if my daughter had decided to give him up for adoption, I would have let him go.

I hope we too, have made the experience a good one for the birth family.  I’ve never felt threatened by the kids' birth family or my kids knowing just who that “other family” is.  All kids at sometime or another are going to express the wish that we aren’t their parents, and that we never had been.  That happens to most parents, adoptive or not.  We’ve had these children since they were a few days old and what we have given them no one else can take away.  

Here is a link about an adoption story.  It also tells her story about searching for her birth parents.  In it is something everyone touched by adoption can enjoy.   http://growup318.com/igrewinhertummy/

Getting Started

First let it be known that I am basically a nice person. I make sure my family has clean clothes (sometimes I slip up), good food (according to my husband, my kids don't like much of anything I do right now), and a clean house (not always a tidy one).  I believe in good values, honesty, integrity, virtue, purity, kindness, etc. I like people and I like to do things for them.  But, I'm not a finished product yet.  The sad part of all this is that I'm in my mid 40's and I'm just now getting it together.  I've spent most of my life with an underlying unhappiness that is my own doing.  I'm not grabbing life to the fullest with both hands.  I'm spending too much time worrying about what others think, too much time thinking of why I feel the way I do, and not enough time loving the people around me and doing things for them.  

I wrote in my journal a year ago hoping to see more progress this year, and there is progress just not as much as I hoped, but going in the right direction. 

I started a new journal in May of 2010 to write down my thoughts so I could really see what I am, what's bothering me, and what I can do to make me a happier person.  A happier person is a nicer person to everyone. This must be about 6 months after I found flylady.

Fly lady has had a profound influence on my life.  I don't follow her plan exactly, because I resist having a written routine to do the same things every day. Rebellion just seems to rise up inside me when I see it, so I've  incorporated some of her ideas, very slowly so I'm doing nice housekeeping things by habit, not with a list breathing down my neck.  I read her emails, and they really do help, so that when I'm wandering around the house getting things done, I hear "do it now", "make it easier on yourself", "a little in better than nothing", "set your timer for 15, 7, 5, or even 2 minutes, and focus on doing something".  Oh, flylady isn't for everyone, but it helps me see that just doing housework in a timely manner not only blesses my family, it blesses me. So, then I do those things mentioned in the first paragraph, and I'm learning to like to do them.  

Here's that first journal entry:

"I usually journal so that it wouldn't matter who reads my stuff, but this time I hope this journal will show my own journey to happiness.  I'm not really unhappy, but I'm not as happy as I could be because I don't treat my husband as nicely as I should   The other thing is I eat too much.  I eat when I'm bored, depressed, unhappy, sick or anxious. I'm hoping by writing these things down, I can change or fix them. I need to live my life with (new grandson at home 24/7) in it, not fighting the fact that he's there and I can't get anything done.  I need to work with my problems not fight them. 

I haven't made as much progress as I wish I had since then, and I'm ready for more. My grandson is out of the house now, living with his mother and her husband.  I sit less, and do more.  Sometimes I even do my work before I play.  Most of the time I start early on supper for my family.  I tidy up most days early in the morning, if I didn't do it before bed.  I check my calendar for today's plans.   I write them on a dry erase board so everyone knows. I do laundry as needed and don't let it pile up, (Now the folding and putting away is put off sometimes).  I try to have my dishes done and my sink cleaned out before I go to bed.  I wipe up my bathroom every other day.  I don't step over things, I put them away.  I exercise or work in the flower garden.  And I like it. I have more energy, and I'm happier. Oh, this isn't to say these things happen perfectly every day.  Some days I'm just too tired to care about anything, or too lazy, or too something.  But, it's getting to be 5 days out of seven, and I feel better/happier when I've accomplished something that benefits my family.  

It ISN'T all about me. It's about what I can do for my family first, then I'll see what I can do for some others outside of it.