Avoiding Real Life Doesn't Help

I'm an avoider.  I don't like to face any problems head on, I would rather drift off into no man's land and pretend they never happened.

That said, I don't really want to live that way.  If you want to go through life in a numbed state of consciousness, not only will you miss things, but you won't enjoy them either.  You will come to the end of your life and wonder what happened.  It would be a sorry thing to never have loved enough, enjoyed enough, suffered enough, to make a difference in your own life, and well as others.

I am looking at the beginning of a new year, just around the corner.  I have had a pretty good month.  There have been good days and bad ones.  Thankfully, no "stop the world, I want to get off" moments.  It helps to be busy.  I'm looking after grandkids again.  So, I'm more organized.  There are some days I can't plan on getting anything done, so meals and jobs need to be prepared for and completed ahead of time.  Anything I DO get done on those days, is a bonus.

I'm happier doing things this way.  It feels good at the end of the day, to sit down and reflect.  Everybody ate, the dishes are done, the laundry is done, and the house is tidy.   (Not perfect, just tidy) And on those days, when I spend the entire day out, doing errands, my part-time job and grocery shopping, I just remember, how lucky I am to have the health, and energy to do the work I can do to keep my home managed and my family happier.

It's Hard to Grow Up

It is amazing the way a mind works. I know that when it comes to being a teenager that anything they feel is about 10 times what you feel as an adult, partly because they don't have the experience to put life's triumphs and disappointments in perspective, but also because their brains aren't fully developed.  The part that deals with being reasonable hasn't kicked in yet.  I know when I was a kid I was afraid of about everything.  I worried about things that were unlikely to happen as well.  It did, however, keep me out of a lot of trouble. The one thing I remember very clearly was that I didn't want to do anything or be anywhere that would make me lose control of myself or my circumstances.  I had a lot of respect that was tempered with fear of my parents.  Oh, there were things that I would change about my growing up, and there where things that I didn't do because my parents did.  One thing I wish for now in raising my own kids, is that I would have made them a little more afraid of me.  It helps them keep on the straight and narrow.
Anyway, we are living with a situation that I never thought  I would have to.  This situation of having a child leave home in less than ideal circumstances, and with the thought that my child is out there telling people that we are bad people, is rather hard to take.  And he isn't being very nice to us either.
I know I let the kids manipulate me more than they should have.   I guess I wasn't smart enough or confident enough to know what was going on, and after the fact, it is hard to go back and fix it.  I'm not sure if he is going to battle with a plan or if it is just a product of a mind that is trying very hard to get what he wants by working on other people and us.  He is telling other people untruths about how he left home and they are believing him.  I don't have much respect for the people he is with.  I wonder about people who are willing to take in a teenager on the strength of his word alone.  I think that he as well as his champions are just trying to intimidate us.  If they really thought something should be done, wouldn't they call social services?
Anyway, I am being very careful what I say to anyone, what I text to him or anyone wanting to know about him.  I have written down what happened on that fateful night.
I just wonder where his mind is.  Does he really believe what he says about us, what the facts are, what really happened?  I know that when one looks back on events, children especially get a twisted view that is all tangles up in their feelings. I can't really explain what I am thinking.  He is a very proud, stubborn kid.  If he is waiting for us to beg him to come home, it isn't going to happen.  I've told him several times that he can come home. I am limiting contact, because I'm not going to let him be rude to me. I feel very sorry for him.  All he can see is the version of events as he sees it.  I suppose it is something like he has to do that in his own mind, so he doesn't have to admit that he is wrong.  It is too bad that life is going to have to teach him what we can't.
 For awhile now, he hasn't been wanting any guidance from us, or any house rules.  You know the ones, "I want to know where you are, who you are with, and where you are going, and what you are going to do while you are there.  And come home at curfew and go to school."  I didn't realize I was such an evil person. No wonder he left.

The Decline of Civilization

I don't like the way civilization is heading in this country.  I'm hoping it isn't going downhill as fast as it seems to be when I look at the teenagers of today.  Maybe I need to look at other people.  I know that teenagers don't think of anything but themselves, but they don't seem to have any respect or fear of anything or anybody,  especially the laws of the land. (or their own bodies or anyone else's)  I know there are good kids out there and thank goodness for them.  They aren't perfect either, and are still subject to the "teenage angst" to a certain degree, but these are the ones that are thinking beyond today, don't think their parents are the enemy (an annoyance at time, yes), and keep themselves busy so they don't run into much temptation to to bad things.
There is another element out there that I have the misfortune to watch.  I don't even know the whole of how these teenagers act, because I don't want to dig in it too deeply.  What bothers me the most is the "if you do this to me, I'm going to do it right back and worse to you" attitude.  Civilization cannot continue without swallowing some of the insults that come your way.   I don't mean you should never stand up for yourself.  This is really hard to explain, but there seems to be such an undercurrent of taking things into your own hands that I don't like to see in my small community.  This must be how gangs start up.  There might be some in our community and I would hate to think my kids would be involved with people like that.  I'm not quite sure what has gone wrong here that they are drawn to and want to be around the kind of people that are like this.  Oh, there is a sort of loyalty there, but it is more of a banding together of groups against groups, and that is a recipe for trouble.  I know some of them are into drugs and alcohol.  I know most of them have no parents that even try to control them.  We have worked and talked to our kids, telling them that there is a better way to behave, to be a better person, but it falls on deaf ears.  They WANT to act this way.  I would like to place blame on the parents, but you can't do that in all cases.  Yes, parental neglect doesn't help the situation.  There are parents out there, who don't try at all to raise their kids, they just let them bring themselves up, so there is no guidance, no character building, no "it is better to do the right thing".  There are also the kids who have decent parents behind them who care, who have given them good examples, who have given them a good life, and they still want to hang around the negative element in society.  Some of these kids, and I hope mine are among them, won't get in to deeply to get out and be productive members of society.  They aren't doing themselves any favors by getting involved in these barely law-abiding crowds.  Sometimes kids get in too deep and can't get back out again.
There ARE good people out there, there are good teenagers out there, there are still people who know that having a good moral character is important.
From where I am standing today, if there are more teens who feel and act like this now, and grow up to have more children who turn out the same way, it is eventually going to be a very unpleasant society to live in.  It won't be civilization anymore.
In order for civilization to continue, we have to have standards and live up to them.  Sometimes it IS uncomfortable, but in the long run, it is better for everybody.

I have a hodge-podge of stuff going through my head this morning.  I'm doing pretty well at my "keeping off the computer and keeping up in the house" mode.  Since I've decided I need to lose a little weight, I've been writing down what I eat.  I still am eating more than I should.  I seem to have no self control most of the time. My mother is on a restrictive diet for a health condition and in order to best control it she is writing down everything she eats and drinks to manage better with fewer attacks.  This morning after annoying everyone after a snoring session last evening by sleeping in my chair, I feel SOMETHING has to be done.  I know I am snoring because I've gained weight.  If she can do it,  if other people can do it, surely I can.  But, can I do it for the rest of my life?  If I knew I would die in two weeks if I didn't, I could do it.  Otherwise....I just seem to go on living like I am going to be living forever and who cares what I eat and whether I exercise or not.  What is it going to take for me to lose weight and to keep it off?  Regular exercise and watching every bite that goes in my mouth?  I don't like to, I don't want to.  But, I'm going to give it a try.  For two weeks, I've kept on my housekeeping schedule, and I'm beginning to feel unhappy if I don't.  I rebel at times, but I'm keeping the most important things done.  There are two reasons I'm doing this.  One, it makes life easier for me, no rushing, no wondering, and two, I'm happier, which makes my family happier.

I'm hoping to have guilt free time to get some photos organized and used, and other computer projects.  So, my staying off the computer is no games and no internet time wasting stuff. I have to time myself though, because too much mouse work hurts my wrist and arm. I'm also cutting back on the knitting, partly because I don't get more important things done first, and partly because it is hurting my arm if I do too much.

I am happier these two weeks, even though we've had a "teenage incident" that caused us much time and stress.   I don't want to be lazy anymore.  I want to live the rest of my life and know that I am living it, not just marking the days or letting them go by in a hurry without me knowing it.

Some of this is Flylady.  That is where I started. It works for me, so I'm going to keep at it.

This has been a good week.  Not a great week in the housekeeping department, but a satisfactory one.  I had my clothes ready for the morning 6 days out of the seven.   I had my dishes done before bed all seven days.  I had my meals planned for all seven days, not all ahead, but before noon I knew what we were going to eat for supper that night.  I did laundry early and folded and put it away before bedtime.  I cleaned the front areas of the house and kept them looking basically tidy.  I am happy with what I accomplished, because if I can do this, it is the main key that keeps me happy.  If I do my job, I am happy.  The main thing I have to contend with is the days where my attitude, says, "why me?" Why do I have to follow my simple routines?  Why can't I just sit here and knit until my arm falls off and the house goes to pieces all around me, and no one has anything to eat?  The main reason is that I am really not happy doing it that way.  I might think so, but it isn't true. I do work outside the home a little bit, but the job I wanted and asked for was to manage my home.  There is no reason I can't do it and do it well.  I have the time.  It takes as much effort and skill to manage a home with young people in it, that it does to work anywhere else.  You just don't get paid money for it. You have to find compensation in other ways.  Mostly it has to be inside, and when you children are gone, hopefully they will remember.

So, we will see how next week goes.  I did some things I enjoy this week, too.  But, I am happy with the way this week went.  Next week, I have company again, and I usually get derailed in about anything when that happens, I haven't got the work/play/attitude ratio figured out for this one yet.

I'll keep you posted.

The Days of Our Lives

It is raining today.  I'm trying not to feel blah just because it is raining.  I AM feeling absolutely overwhelmed however. Here it is almost the middle of October and I don't see any signs of the days slowing down.  I'm feeling like I can't enjoy any piece of my life, it is going too fast.  I've been trying to evaluate my life lately and I don't think I'm as happy as I could be. Sometimes it seems like I'm just filling up my time and not getting anything done because I just want this day to be over, or this week, or for it to be Monday again so I can start again.  I don't really enjoy when family comes because I am trying to keep things together.  This time I planned menus ahead, made them simple, delegated chores.  But still things pile up here and there because little things don't get put away.  I tried hard to ignore it and say it doesn't matter. I guess I am thinking ahead to all the things that need done next week, birthday party, office work, courthouse, laundry, mealtime, picking up after myself and sometimes the other people around here, too.

That doesn't sound too bad, really.  But, somehow that stuff always adds itself up and spreads itself out to fill more time than I have.  Last week was a hard week.  My daughter had four days of make up work to do and she was working on homework every night from 4 to midnight.  And she likes to have someone around for "moral support".  She's also working on not having a meltdown when she's stressed or yelling and slamming around either.  She did really well.  Only one "outlet" sort of crying jag, that did a lot of good.  I don't know why crying like that should help, but the books all say it does.  I don't seem to be able to cry like that.  I just yell or get anxious.  Anytime I cry, it is over a book, and then I get a stuffy nose and a headache.

So, for next week, the plan is less facebook, less knitting, and more focusing on the task on hand.  I have a hard time with some of this because I get physically and mentally tired out.  I'm getting better though, ever since I did a couple of months with an exercise video, I've had a lot more energy even though I didn't continue.  Exercise is exercise, even if it is just carrying things around the house.

So, I guess this weather IS making me a little blue, but I am going to make a change this week, starting today, when my company leaves, I'm going to sit down and plan a little for tomorrow, get things ready and in order, and I AM NOT GOING TO READ A BOOK UNTIL I AM TOO TIRED TO DO ANYTHING ELSE.
Now, did you hear that Miss LeaAnne?  Stay tuned, and see what happens this week.

Take the Swearing Out of It

I have a very nice bunch of friends that I keep up with on facebook, and a few teenagers, too.  What is annoying me today is the amount of swearing that appears on other people's status's.  Some is borrowed when they publish sites that are of interest and some, mostly in the case of the teens, just blatant anger and laziness.  I know that the English language is one of the hardest to learn, but when you've grown up with it, it shouldn't be too difficult to find other words to replace the swear words.I suppose it is mostly the young people who think they are being clever for using words their parents (most parents) don't like.  The same words that THEIR parent's thought they were being clever for using when they were teens. I know that teens like to be rebellious, but in this day of employers and colleges scoping out facebook pages, it is never a good idea to have incriminating information on those pages.

It is ridiculous, aren't there ANY standards out there anymore!  Since when it is fun and interesting to pepper one's speech with the words your grandmother would wash out of your mouth with soap.  I say grandmother's, because my generation is becoming the grandmother's now, and I see the standards of my generation slipping away, down the toilet. However, bad language becomes a habit, and habits become character.  I had a name for people like this when I was younger, I called it "second class". First class people don't use foul language, they don't run down their neighbors, they do build up their friends.  They just DON'T TALK TRASH, about anybody or anything.  I don't call it anything any more, because I am out of the judging people stage. I do, however, try to stay away from people that spend a lot of time swearing, and doing other things that I don't care to be around for the sake of my own mental health.  It isn't clever, it is ugly and it sure doesn't enhance the impression anyone is trying to make, on facebook or off of it.

I think I need to do a little more editing of my friends list.

Listening is Better Than Talking

It's finally starting to cool down here in the midwest, actually I think according to the media, I'm in the Plains States.   It is funny to me to think that Minnesota to Missouri, and Iowa to Ohio are called mid-WEST states, when they aren't west at all. Then I googled "Great Plains States" and they are the Dakotas, on south and west to the Rockies.   I don't have a quarrel with the term "plains states", because they have a great many flat places.  But to call someting "mid-west" that is east of the middle just doesn't seem right.  It just bugs me.  Okay, okay, I'll get down off my soap box now and behave myself.  I think too many things bug me, or else I just like to sound off to other people and air my knowledge, or just show off.  That made me think of this quote from flylady I found a while back.


When you understand that the need to tell someone about yourself is no more than a need for attention, you can start right away to give yourself attention in the form of compassion, understanding, wisdom, guidance and love and the next time you are in a two-way conversation, you'll really listen. 


Do I need to tell people everything I know on a subject when it is brought up? No
Do I need to add something to every conversation?  No
Do I need to play "one upmanship" at any time in a conversation?  No
Do I need to pay attention to the person who is talking and notice what sort of conversation it is before I say anything?  Yes


I'm afraid I often say things to get attention, to prove to people that I know things, and that I am there next to them.    I also know that people really like to be listened to, and that would be a better place to fill than calling attention to myself.  


(Oops, this is nearly a repeat of an earlier post, oh well, this blog is for my own learning and benefit, and it I need it twice...so be it.)

You Can't Parent From a Chair

I was thinking about my parenting style the other day.  I’m not terribly impressed with my parenting or lack thereof when my kids where little.  I could have done a better job.  I could have yelled less and followed through more. I should have made them do more chores and given in to them less.  I was lazy then and I sometimes want to be lazy now, but I've learned a few things.  One of those things is that you can’t parent from a chair.

I’ve been practicing on my grandchild.  When I have him, I give him fewer snacks so he’ll eat at meal time, like his mom does. I chase him down and put him in time out right away instead of trying to reason with him, like his daddy does.  I could list a whole bunch of things about raising children, but for the toddler sort, the best way to do it is to chase them down to prevent or punish certain behaviors, so they know I mean it, so they know consistency, so they learn obedience earlier.

I don’t know that if I would have been more diligent and less wishy-washy with my kids when they were toddlers, if things would have gone better when they were teenagers.  I just don’t know.  What I do know is I’m not going to undermine my children’s discipline with their own children and I’m going to chase those kids down and make them mind when they need it. It isn’t easy, it isn’t fun, but it is necessary.  Necessary for children to grow up to respect others and themselves, and be able to make the best life for themselves and society. 

Just an Ordinary Day

I’m beginning to wonder how weekly columnists manage to think of things to write about.  I wonder how they do it?  Do they write one every week, or write several at a time so they can take a break.  I would love to write things that could be published.  I’m not sure if I want fame or money.  Earlier in my life I wanted people to notice me, but now I think I would like the money.  I enjoy the columns most that are just about real life and they way people live it. Sharon Randall and Lori Clinch come to mind.  They write about very different things, but they write about their own lives, and that is very interesting.  

I really like to read about the ordinary things of life.  How people clean their houses, what they eat for dinner, what they do to entertain themselves, what their kids do that is good, bad and ugly.  I like to read about the days they manage their time well, and the days they don’t.  I like to know how other people’s lives are different from my own.  Life is funny, difficult, boring, lovely, horrible, and a whole lot of other things, too.

So, what has been ordinary about my life today?  Everything, really.  I worked in our office for a couple of hours this morning, went to the post office, the courthouse (it’s the last day of the month, which means vehicle taxes and licensing), the bank and the grocery store.  I came home and washed clothes and dishes.  I wasted two hours reading a book when I should have been dusting and cleaning the bathroom (oh, well, there is always tomorrow). I vacuumed and got supper ready and in the oven with the timer set before school was out. After school pickup we were able to fit in a quick trip to the mall to check out the clearance and sales.  Then supper and a last bit of folding clothes that should have been done earlier but was pushed back because of the reading episode.

It is so nice when I manage a day like this so that I have time to read the paper in the evening instead of doing the finishing up after supper.  I still need to put away the dry dishes before bed. 

I even fit in one not so ordinary things.  I talked to my brother, who needed it.  Family is a lot more important that anything else that is done in my house.  

I am a SAHM and I am Glad to Do it.

Disclaimer:  This article only applies to stay at home moms, not those who work outside of their home.  


I've been thinking lately of the privilege I have of being a stay at home mom.  I haven't had to go out to work to help out. We have a quieter life than most people and our kids don't have a huge amount of electronic gadgets.  We've had to learn to be careful with our spending.  Because of that, I've been thinking of the responsibilities of being a SAHM.  My job is to be manager of the home and I don't expect my husband to do things after he gets home from work that I am perfectly capable of doing.  The most important thing is making my home a nice place. You notice, I didn't say perfect.  I said a NICE place.  And by that I mean (if you have young children), you feed them, clothe them, and clean them.  I mean you should feed your husband when he gets home from work, make sure he has clean clothes and a path to walk through the house.  When the kids go to school, it should be more of the same, with better meals, more clean clothes and the path is a whole lot wider.  It's getting off the computer to fill the dishwasher or put a load in the washing machine in-between answering kids questions and rescuing them from the top of the fridge.  It's planning ahead a little so meat is thawed so dinner can be quick when your husband gets home to do rescuing duty.
I still am what I consider a stay at home mom, although I do work at our business 5-6 hours a week when the kids are in school or sleeping in in the summer. I know whereof  I speak.  I didn't always do well.  I didn't always have supper ready for my husband when he got home from work.  But I made it while he was watching the kids.  I couldn't get everything done, and he kindly helped me when I was overwhelmed, with dishes or laundry, vacuuming or mopping. Those were difficult years, and rather chaotic as anyone who stays home with young children knows.  Some days were bad, I would sit and let things pile up around me and be thankful that I wasn't chronically depressed, knowing that if I would get up and put one thing away, I could put away two or three or ten.  I knew I would feel better tomorrow.  But, then the kids went to school, their toys grew up and got fewer and didn't spend so much time in the living room.  They took some responsibility for their own things. And then, I began to see what a stay at home mom could be. I could manage the grocery budget better, I could keep the house cleaner, I could keep the laundry up, I could spend even more time on the computer, and with books and with yarn.  And I did.  And I didn't keep the house cleaner, but I still fed everybody and did laundry.

What I'm getting at, is that I know it is hard to keep things going with children, but if you are a stay at home mom, there is absolutely no reason to not feed your husband after he works all day, and to keep his clothes washed.  That's the privilege of being a stay at home mom, and not having to go out to work.  It's learning how to manage a home, and I mean everything from food to schedules.  It's what people do in an office.  It's a high calling to do it at home, and make a success of it.  It means getting off the computer and doing something whether you want to or not.

I have a busy life and cart kids around, but I can get the housework out of the way so that when my kids are home, they have ME, and I'm not rushing around finishing up things that should have been done long before. And you know, I like it, in fact, I love it.  I'm learning to love being a home manager, to have a nice tidy house most days, to look around and know things are under control most of the time.

And things will go out of control, this is real life we are talking about.  But, if you are used to working around and getting things done, it is a lot easier to get back in control when they do go out.

It still doesn't have to be perfect.

To School or Not to School

I was looking around for something to do since I'm on one of my, "let's find something to do rather than sit at the computer all day" kicks.  I seem to have a problem with this getting up and getting lots of things done.  Now, that doesn't mean that NOTHING is done.  Today's load of laundry is drying, the dishes are done, the house is picked up, the bed is made.  I should be sewing. or clearing out or something.  I'm enjoying these days where the kids don't make huge messes, and savoring the last days before school starts.  Then I will be back on the "responsibility for more than me" wagon again.  It isn't just the kids that go back to school.  It's the moms, too.  After all, who makes sure the kids get out of the door in the morning, hopefully with breakfast.  Who makes sure they are ready to go the night before.  Who drives them every morning and picks them up every night.  Who tries to teach them that keeping on top of homework and housework, means an easier time for themselves as well as the mom.  Oh, sure, my kids are big enough to do all these things, but it goes a lot easier if I keep an eye on how well they are handling the stress.  Because, if they can't handle it, then everything goes south with the rest of us.

So, I can't decide if I am ready for school to start or not.  I like being able to work on a project past 3:00.  Because once the kids come home, it is "their" time until time for bed.  I seem to have a hard time getting started on projects early in the morning.  I do like routine (meaning morning starts the same way and we have supper at a normal time), and having everyone home in the evenings, but the older the kids get, the more evening events they have, and then so much for any sort of routine.  I keep reminding myself that these days don't last very long, and when they are gone, I will be wondering where they went, and maybe even wanting a little more busyness around here.

I'm looking forward to cooler days, and cooler nights, for school time curfews, and tied down kids, for time to myself without worrying where the kids are, and time to remember I don't have much more time to teach these kids how life needs to be lived.

Now, to get on with the rest of it, lunch dishes, folding the laundry, and finding a project to do.

Dispelling Myths About Homemaking

I love this post, Dispelling Myths About Homemaking.

All I ever wanted to do when I grew up was be a mother.  I would read those books about people having a dozen children, and having this well organized and well run house, where everyone helped and things ran along like a train on a track.

Then, I went to college, got married and found myself with one child to raise and no more desire to have a dozen, (two or three would be nice), and the train derailed before it got out of the station.

But, I still didn't want to do anything besides by a mother, and I am coming to realize that being a mother, and homemaker is the greatest career on earth.  It is the homemakers that make a home beautiful and comforting. It is the mothers that raise up the children who will continue our world.

Now if that isn't an important job, I don't know what is!!.

Toddlers

On my way out of Walmart this morning I saw a young mother holding her toddler by the hand as he unsteadily walked alongside the cart she was pushing.  He was a cute little guy with smooth brown hair cut in bangs over his eyes.  After my initial thought of what a cutie he was, and missing those times with my little ones, I thought how nice it was she was taking a little extra time to let him walk instead of hurrying him along.  I know there are times when you have to hurry along, but those babies grow up so fast, and then you will be raising teenagers and wish you had a toddler back again.  (At least you are bigger than they are.) It's important to take some time to slow down and enjoy them.

When we brought our daughter home, the hardest thing I had to get used to was not having any more time for myself.  All those fun things I had time to do before, even when I was working, well, there was just not enough time for it.  Gone where the days, when I could read all day, and then hurry up and get the house tidied up and a meal started before hubby came home.  (I do NOT recommend this method, it leaks over into the raising children side of your life, and then you are always playing catch-up and 40 years later writing about it on a blog on how not to live your life.)  I finally had my aha moment, that life wasn't about ME anymore.  It was about doing the best for this little girl that was so dependent on me for everything.  It was up to us to see that this child grew up to be a happy, healthy productive adult.  It's a huge responsibility that most people don't think about when they are wanting a baby.  I didn't spend as much time teaching them as I wish I would have, now that I am looking back.  I remember reading in "Laddie", by Gene Stratton Porter, about being the kind of person you want your children to be BEFORE they are born. We had a lot of fun when the kids were little, but I wasn't very good about keeping a tidy house.  I've never been very good about doing "just a little bit more" to make the next day easier. I was always seemed to be so tired all the time that I never seemed to get anything done at all. I never could seem to get everything done, it was usually three of four important jobs, cooking, laundry, dishes, or cleaning.    I know now, if I would have got up a done that "little bit more", I wouldn't have been so tired.  Doing something to better what is happening around me, makes me feel better by the end of the day.

I've Got Class

I am sorting through books these days in my attempts to get rid of a few more things in my house.  Being a true SHE (Side-Tracked Home Executive).  I do well about everyday tidying for a while and then something critical or more exciting comes up, and I get buried somewhere.  Nowhere is this more apparent than in my basement.  Right now it is a storage area for things I'm sure someone is going to need someday, including my children's toys that I hope they will play with at their house or mine.  I am going to need some granddaughters, since I have girl toys, too.  I also have the craft area and sewing room down there and during the last several months my daughter and I have been  making a mess  working down there. So, as I have started in the sewing area and going through projects that I will conceivably finish, and throwing out those I won't.; I have made my way to the book shelves.  I got rid of a box full, and separated another pile to read and keep or discard.  I found one called "Manners Now and Then", by May B. Van Arsdale and Mary Rebecca Lingenfelter.  It is written in 1940.  I was amused to find that some of the same bad manners they accuse of young people today, were a problem back then, too. I'm not keeping this book.  I don't feel it is an important resource for this day and age.  


But, I am digressing for the whole purpose of this post, which is to write down the few bits out of it that I want to keep.  


Chapter III
 Manners Begin at Home

"Home is the place where manners and charity as well as many other virtues should have their roots, and strong ones, too."
"The person who has always lived in an atmosphere of good breeding at home unconsciously radiates an air of gentility--or whatever you want to call that indefinable quality which we slangily speak of as 'class'. 


When I was in college I knew a girl, who I thought was the classiest girl I ever saw.  Even back then, I knew that class isn't something that you see on the outside of a person, it's what they are inside.  It's the way the behave, the way they treat other people, the words they use.  


I don't really have it.  I'm getting better.  I'm not as impatient as I was and I can control my temper better.  I have learned there are plenty of things people say that aren't worth getting worked up about.  The one thing that I have managed to achieve, is not taking offense by what others say.  Most people that say unkind things are just not thinking (I do that plenty, unfortunately)  or the people themselves don't matter.  


This poem reminded me of the attitudes I'd like to have:


Daily Creed
by Edgar Guest


Let me be a little kinder,
Let me be a little blinder,
To the faults about me
Let me praise a little more.
Let me be when I am weary,
Just a little bit more cheery,
Let me serve a little better
Those that I am striving for,
Let me be a little braver
When temptation bids me waver,
Let me strive a little harder
To be all that I should be.
Let me be a little meeker
To a brother that is weaker,
Let me think more of my neighbor
And a little less of me.


I know this little poem has been around for decades but it is just as needful today as it was then.  If I treat everyone, family,  friends, even strangers, if EVERYONE would treat others that way, we wouldn't have to worry about school shootings.  


I think I need to read it often.


This is the last little bit I wanted to save as a reminder to my kids.  Not that they will ever read it.


Chapter XI
How to Get on in Business


"A friendly, cheerful manner is one of the greatest assets anyone could have in business. There will be plenty of things about any job which will make you feel far from cheerful at times."
"If you have never learned before to conceal your own discouragement or irritation, and present a calm and cheerful exterior, you will have to learn it if you are trying to be successful in business." 
"Your usefulness will depend on how well you can adapt yourself to the circumstances of your job and the other people you work with."
"Good manners play an important part....In the rush of business, it may sometimes seem easier to crowd in front of someone else at a file, or to reach across a desk for papers that you must have in a hurry.   ....No matter what the rush, there is always time for a word of apology or explanation...."


Courtesy and patience, that's all it takes.  


And lest I let a post go by without a mention of Flylady.  If you use her principles of "being kind to yourself" and "do it now", so you are ahead of the game instead of behind, it's easier.  

Pay Attention

I don't intend to make this an 'I love only flylady" blog.  Although, I have a lot of respect for her ideas.  They are slowly infiltrating themselves into my brain and I'm getting a lot more things done.  


I liked this quote she sent out to her followers a couple of weeks ago.  


"When you understand that the need to tell someone about yourself is no more than a need for attention, you can start right away to give yourself attention in the form of compassion, understanding, wisdom, guidance and love and the next time you are in a two-way conversation, you'll really listen." 


I think I talk too much. When I get with my girlfriends and they start talking, pretty soon I'm right in there wanting to add, or even one-up them.  You know how it goes, "My baby is having this rash and I wonder what I should do", and here I am saying, "Oh, well, I had that rash on all my babies, and it was worse, and this is what I did, so of course it's the best things to do."  When I really look at what I am doing, I am looking for someone to pay attention to me.  Having a little notice is well and good, but in my basic philosophy, it isn't the one and only.  Why should I be looking for someone to pay attention to me, when I'm trying to take attention from someone else.   It isn't all about me and it never was.  I grew up in a family that wasn't very affectionate, or given to handing out compliments.  I think I've spent most of my years after I left home looking for them.  I wouldn't think it would be all that much fun to have a friend that spends her time looking for complements.  I have lots of friends that love me, admire me, and family that loves me, too.  (I'm not sure teens are ever proud of their Moms.)  


So, I've been doing what that quote says.  If I get to feeling sorry for myself that I'm unappreciated, or unnoticed.  It just go do something fun for a little while.  It rests me; it reduces my stress; and we'll see what it does the next time I have time to be with my friends.

I Made it Through

One thing I really enjoy about growing up is that I can handle more busy days in a row, without having to succumb to a headache halfway through.  I also like the fact that I can get by on less sleep.  I guess that is what having teenagers does for you.  You lose sleep, but you don't have to pick up after them.
Fourth of July week was one of those weeks I thought would never end, I just went from high point to high point, or from one event to another.  With the holiday on one end and a baby shower on the other, I had to keep things tidy and going.  My daughter and family were here from Sunday to Tuesday.  We had two days of picnicking, fireworks, swimming and food.  This was my daughter's baby shower, she's expecting another this summer and we are eagerly waiting his coming. An old friend came early with her mother so I was getting ready with extra company.  Luckily, they were perfect company, helping when I needed help and staying out of the way when I didn't.  We had 'home meetings' both Sunday and Wednesday here, which helped keep the cleanness going.  Thursday was the big day, and my youngest daughter hosted the party beautifully, people stayed to visit.  We tidied up enough to keep the bugs away and went to bed.  My mom did the big washing up in the morning, our company left and we were back in business.

Then it was some shopping business with my mom.  It was nice to have her here for a couple of days, and to do some fun things together.  I actually bought a new skirt and top.  I haven't bought anything new for a VERY long time.  Usually I only see the inside of the Good Will when it is time for new clothes.  (And very nice ones, have I found in there, you just have to look.)

So, then, Mom left Sat. On Friday evening, hubby went to get grandson number one for the weekend. So, we weren't done yet, but I began to wish I was.  I wanted to have some time to sit down and regroup.  And that for sure doesn't happen with a toddler.  But, Sunday rolled around again, I cooked supper for my daughter and family and some extra friends with three teenagers again, everybody was gone by 9, and I WAS DONE.

Then we got a call that detasseling starts in two days, and it was time to start planning again.

Ah, real life, what would we do without it?

It's All in the Attitude

I have a confession to make. I don't like to clean. But I like even less a huge mess around me. I used to be too tired to care.  When my children were younger, I couldn't seem to get it all done anyway, so I read books.  That was before facebook and google.  I didn't waste my time on the computer, I read.  So, I didn't do my work.  I didn't want to.  You would think I had all the time in the world, being a stay at home mom.  Well, I didn't have all the time in the world, raising children can wreak havoc on even the best of intentions.  But, I could have had more time, if I just DID something.  As the kids got bigger and the toys were fewer, I could keep things tidier without much effort.  Sometimes I would have to just ban books for awhile in order to get things done.   I don't seem to have much control when I'm reading.  When you use things to escape reality, you can get into trouble. When it interferes with relationships and taking care of your family, it's too much.  I've also discovered over my years of living that when I pretend, or just get up and do SOMETHING, it sort of feeds on itself.  It feels good to get some housework done.  I feel better at the end of the day and that helps the whole management of the house and family thing go more smoothly.

That's the whole point.  I don't feel good about myself or what I've done if I don't do anything all day.  I've chosen this job, do be a home manager instead of a working outside the home.  It's a real job, too.  A home can be manged effectively and efficiently.  It can also be managed well enough so everyone is happy, has clean clothes, food to eat, and can walk around the house without being in danger of killing themselves. I learned to write things down so I don't forget them.  I learned to do my work and play later.  I found the Flylady. I don't follow her instructions to the letter.  She even says herself, to take what she has and make it work for yourself.  I was heading in the direction she takes you.  It sure makes for a better attitude and a better looking house, if you just put forth a little effort every day.  I have learned more from just reading the emails for the general attitude adjustments, than anything else.

I wish I would have known flylady when the kids were little.  Would I have used her ideas and tips?  How hard would it be with little kids to just "get up and go" with the little things that make the house look better and everyone gets fed?  I don't know, because I didn't try it.  I don't say I never cleaned.  Every couple of weeks, I would really clean up the house and make the main living areas look good.  But it wasn't an everyday affair. The main thing, I think, needs to be, work a little, you'll feel better, and take care of your families needs, and then just do a little more.

Adoption Picnic

This weekend we went on a special picnic.  Our kids are adopted, you see, and this is the first time we’ve had an organized picnic with all of the maternal birth family.  We’ve seen them all from time to time at various events where our paths have crossed over the years.  We’ve never made it a secret that our children were adopted, nor have we kept it a secret who this birth family is. 

Adoption is very dear to my heart.  We have adoptions of various kinds in our family.  My brother is adopted with a closed adoption, as they all were, years ago.  He has now adopted his step-children.  We have two adopted children in an open adoption. (Same birth mother) Ours isn’t a wide open adoption, we've exchanged letters and pictures and a few visits, but not very much.  I was thinking today that they have behaved perfectly as a birth family, just the right amount of contact. We couldn’t have had a better experience.

It isn’t easy giving a baby up for adoption. It has to be on of the hardest thing a young woman can ever do. Those that think teen moms are making life easier for themselves are wrong. I’m sure they think about that baby they’ve given away.  The openness of letters and pictures must help, as they can see how they change as they grow.  I really admire those young women who can give up something so much a part of themselves to someone else, knowing they no longer will have control over that life. I know these things. My daughter had a baby while still in high school. She made the decision to keep her baby.  We encouraged her to look into adoption, remembering what her birthmother had done for us. There were many people who have said to us “how can you even THINK of giving that precious life to someone else”.  I can think of it because, that is how I received two of my children.  I can think of it, because I believe children need a two parent home.  I can think of it, because there are couples out there wanting a baby of their very own.  I love my grandson.  I love to have him in my house.  I love him enough to know he and his mother needed to live with us, because he needed a stable home, even if it wasn’t parents.  I love him enough that if my daughter had decided to give him up for adoption, I would have let him go.

I hope we too, have made the experience a good one for the birth family.  I’ve never felt threatened by the kids' birth family or my kids knowing just who that “other family” is.  All kids at sometime or another are going to express the wish that we aren’t their parents, and that we never had been.  That happens to most parents, adoptive or not.  We’ve had these children since they were a few days old and what we have given them no one else can take away.  

Here is a link about an adoption story.  It also tells her story about searching for her birth parents.  In it is something everyone touched by adoption can enjoy.   http://growup318.com/igrewinhertummy/

Now It's My Turn

Last weekend, I was the company.  My family and I visited my folks for one last visit before some of my family moved across the country.  Since starting this blog I am more aware of my actions and how I behaved at my folks.  When I was first married and even when I had young children, I could find a lot of ways to stay out of the kitchen.  It was mostly I didn't like to do the work, and I was TIRED in those days.  I remember visiting my grandparents, and mom and all the aunts would be working away in the kitchen at meal times, cooking and cleaning up, and the kids were usually as far away as they could get.  I supposed someday it would be my turn.  My turn has come, and strangely enough I don't mind it.  I wonder if it is because I know I won't have my mother with me forever (we are all getting older and it is happening way too fast), or if it is just that I just do it since I'm supposed to be a big girl and big girls help out.  Big girls don't let someone else do everything for them.  And they don't let their mothers, who might be great-grandparents now, do it all either. It was nice.  We cooked, and I cleaned counters and dishes as I went.  I saw things that needed to be done and did them.  No complaining, no fussing. (inside or out), just see the job, find the job and do it.
This attitude has been coming on for a few years, but I'm recognizing the fact today that I'm there. I'm working in my mother's kitchen and enjoying it. I never wanted to do housework for so many years, and part of it is I would rather do something that I like to do instead of something that will promote someone else's happiness and the happiness of my home. That idea is really just selfishness, "I don't want to work so I won't, I just want to have fun." I try to have the attitude around home, 'do the tidying up and cleaning first then play'.  I do find I have less time to play, but I'm enjoying my tidying up so that is part of the fun.  I don't spend all my time cleaning either, and I would spend less if I could focus on the jobs more effectively. It's one of the things I'm working on.  Even a little bit done is better than nothing.

Working at Home

My daughter and family were visiting overnight yesterday.  They live close enough to visit fairly often. When they called I was just trying to plan a bigger supper for my son's friends, and then just added them too, since the original supper planned for three wasn't going to work for nine.  I am really thankful I have plenty of hamburger in the freezer and I bought buns earlier in the day.  Nothing like a quick and easy supper of grilled hamburgers to feed a lot of hungry people.  Earlier in my life, I very likely would have left the kitchen in a huge mess because I was tired.  But, I'm learning not to live like that anymore.  It helps when my kids are company, because then I act a little more like they are company too, and clean up the kitchen. I like to wake up to clean dishes and a fairly tidy house.  In fact, I actually felt anxious about not having a chance to get everything cleaned up while they were here!  There is a time to spend all the time cleaning and a time to spend enjoying your family. It's not like I worry so much about getting things cleaned up right away on regular days.  That is the goal, but it doesn't happen EVERY time. I puttered around getting the most important things done, told the anxious feeling to go take a hike, and spent some time following after my grandson and chatting with my daughter and husband. When they left, I relaxed instead of getting right on the cleaning up which is against the rules I'm trying to follow.  The next day, instead of waiting until the very last minute, like I used to do, I did get started in good time to have the kitchen clean and supper waiting when my husband came home.  It was a good one, too, steak.

Getting Started

First let it be known that I am basically a nice person. I make sure my family has clean clothes (sometimes I slip up), good food (according to my husband, my kids don't like much of anything I do right now), and a clean house (not always a tidy one).  I believe in good values, honesty, integrity, virtue, purity, kindness, etc. I like people and I like to do things for them.  But, I'm not a finished product yet.  The sad part of all this is that I'm in my mid 40's and I'm just now getting it together.  I've spent most of my life with an underlying unhappiness that is my own doing.  I'm not grabbing life to the fullest with both hands.  I'm spending too much time worrying about what others think, too much time thinking of why I feel the way I do, and not enough time loving the people around me and doing things for them.  

I wrote in my journal a year ago hoping to see more progress this year, and there is progress just not as much as I hoped, but going in the right direction. 

I started a new journal in May of 2010 to write down my thoughts so I could really see what I am, what's bothering me, and what I can do to make me a happier person.  A happier person is a nicer person to everyone. This must be about 6 months after I found flylady.

Fly lady has had a profound influence on my life.  I don't follow her plan exactly, because I resist having a written routine to do the same things every day. Rebellion just seems to rise up inside me when I see it, so I've  incorporated some of her ideas, very slowly so I'm doing nice housekeeping things by habit, not with a list breathing down my neck.  I read her emails, and they really do help, so that when I'm wandering around the house getting things done, I hear "do it now", "make it easier on yourself", "a little in better than nothing", "set your timer for 15, 7, 5, or even 2 minutes, and focus on doing something".  Oh, flylady isn't for everyone, but it helps me see that just doing housework in a timely manner not only blesses my family, it blesses me. So, then I do those things mentioned in the first paragraph, and I'm learning to like to do them.  

Here's that first journal entry:

"I usually journal so that it wouldn't matter who reads my stuff, but this time I hope this journal will show my own journey to happiness.  I'm not really unhappy, but I'm not as happy as I could be because I don't treat my husband as nicely as I should   The other thing is I eat too much.  I eat when I'm bored, depressed, unhappy, sick or anxious. I'm hoping by writing these things down, I can change or fix them. I need to live my life with (new grandson at home 24/7) in it, not fighting the fact that he's there and I can't get anything done.  I need to work with my problems not fight them. 

I haven't made as much progress as I wish I had since then, and I'm ready for more. My grandson is out of the house now, living with his mother and her husband.  I sit less, and do more.  Sometimes I even do my work before I play.  Most of the time I start early on supper for my family.  I tidy up most days early in the morning, if I didn't do it before bed.  I check my calendar for today's plans.   I write them on a dry erase board so everyone knows. I do laundry as needed and don't let it pile up, (Now the folding and putting away is put off sometimes).  I try to have my dishes done and my sink cleaned out before I go to bed.  I wipe up my bathroom every other day.  I don't step over things, I put them away.  I exercise or work in the flower garden.  And I like it. I have more energy, and I'm happier. Oh, this isn't to say these things happen perfectly every day.  Some days I'm just too tired to care about anything, or too lazy, or too something.  But, it's getting to be 5 days out of seven, and I feel better/happier when I've accomplished something that benefits my family.  

It ISN'T all about me. It's about what I can do for my family first, then I'll see what I can do for some others outside of it.