I've Been Sick

I'm not really sure how I like the new blogger.  However, the best way to adjust to anything, is to just use it until you are used to it.  I'm still not used to the new facebook however. 

This has been such an up and down spring.  After a few hot days it is cool again.  I'm really enjoying being cool instead of hot and sweaty.  My thermostat is set permanently on HOT these days. 

I've been sick and lost my sense of smell.  I don't like it, since there are things that smelling is used for, dirty diapers and burning things on the stove are two such important things.  My food doesn't taste as good either, smelling is really rather useful and important.  

So, I've been eating less. And, I've lost 5 pounds.  It is hard to eat when your nose is plugged, and it is no fun to eat when things don't taste good.  

I hope it lasts.  

The non-eating part, not the non-smelling part.

These time of year, THIS year is very strange, not at all what I expected and planned for it to be.  My son should be graduating, ceremony, party, and all that. 

But, there is no party, since he's not living here.  I just hope he got everything together to graduate.  It will make a big difference in his future life.
It is late.  I can't sleep.  I don't know if this is because of life events or antibiotics.  At any rate, I'll be glad when school is out, and I have a different set of challenges to face.  One of which will be how to keep a teen girl busy while she waits to detassel and everyone else is travelling and she can't. 

Anxiety Will Get You Nowhere

I feel anxious tonight.  I'm not sure why.  I don't get anxious very often anymore.  Even when I am feeling blue about family problems, I'm usually not anxious.  It might have something to do with the weather, it is getting gray out. It might have something to do with family dynamics.  I'm trying with everything that I am not to be critical of anyone in this household.  (Next I'll work on people outside of it.)  My daughter is doing well with her temper and critical behavior toward me, but not toward her dad.  This could be it.  He was depressed yesterday because of it. I'm in the middle, again, and I don't know how to make it better.  I will have to think.  I'm writing to see if it will help.  I can't ask or suggest any non-violent inducing questions right now, because homework is being done.  So, I will just have to go to bed early and feel better in the morning.  And, wish my son was speaking to me.

Unconditional Love

 When you realize that there isn't anything you can do to change other people, it is easier to love them.

I've been thinking about this lately, when I had an epiphany of sorts.  I want to love others more, especially my family, whom I have a very bad habit of thinking my way is the only way to do things. I'm not going to go into much detail here, and this doesn't apply to guiding children into honest and moral ideals.  But, it certainly does apply to over-age children and other family members about whom I am thinking that they live their lives differently.

(This is a very hard subject to discuss, mostly because I don't feel I have the words to do it justice.  So, I may just ramble along here and see what I come up with.)

It, also doesn't mean that I am going to enjoy being around characteristics and activities that I don't think are right, it just means I'm not going to think about them.  I want to try to separate them from the soul inside that needs loved. Love them first, and make sure my own life is displaying the characteristics and spirit that I believe is the most important part of life.

It boils down to how I am going to handle my stress, my worry, my attitude, my joy, my relationships with other people.  It means slowing down and taking time to think about people, .life, connections.  It means being willing to do more for others, and yes, less time for myself.  Kindness done to others, makes them a better person, Kindness to ourselves helps us be kinder to others.

I hope I can hang on to this elusive idea, remembering it everyday.

Just Say "No"

I have been having good days.  I don't think I worry about the state of my life or the country as much when I am busy.  I blog more when things I'm worrying I guess.  Today I did something that I'm glad I did.  I didn't let my daughter talk me into something I didn't want her to do.  I have spent my life doing that while raising up my other kids.  There are times that "nos" can be changed to "yes", but I had a good reason today and I stood my ground.   What I don't understand is why I feel so bad afterwards.  I know I don't like conflict, I don't like to make decisions, I don't like to listen to annoyed children.  I have learned over the past few years that I need to stand my ground and sometimes I can.  It is very important for children not to have all their desires granted.  I think I'm getting better, but I still don't like it much.  I'm more likely to go into 'avoidance' mode and ignore problems, which of course, does not make them better, and very often makes them worse.
I am learning to face other things head on and get them done, like income taxes, and business needs.  What I need most is to just take the time to THINK about things.  I had big ideas about writing things to change the world, when I need to write things to change MY world.  I'm not sure that needs to be public.

Give Me a Lift

I found a letter I wrote to a friend who was have a hard time and I like it.  It is a little picture of my life at the time and how I like to cheer and encourage.

"These are busy days for us since the garden is starting to produce.  Jim planted way more beets than I really want to pickle, but I am working at it.   Our beans are soon ready to be picked and they are a chore, but I do like to have them in the freezer for winter time.  We’ve reworked all our flower gardens and it looks really nice out there, but we do need to continue the weeding or it will be right back where we started.  I think one of the hardest things to do in life is to just do a little at a time to the final goal.  Just 15 minutes in the flower garden every day keeps it mostly weed free and looks nice even if a few little ones are peeking up.  I have been following the flylady for awhile.  I don’t do everything she says, she has a site for organizing your housecleaning.   There are a few things she suggests that I do and like.  One of her main ideas is to take baby steps to conquer anything.   Most people, myself included, when we see a thing that needs to be done, tear into it, get it all or mostly done and get so tired we don’t want to clean anything for a very long time.  She suggests we have a routine and do it and things get clean slowly and then stay clean.  I’m not really following much of a routine at all, but there are a few things I always keep up. Over the last year, some of them are a quick bathroom clean (counter and toilet) three days a week, lay out my clothes at night, tidy up the living room before bed most of the time, and no dishes in the sink at night, and write up menus for supper, some weeks are better than others for that!! She sends out lots of emails and that can be annoying unless you're really into them.  I enjoy reading some of them for inspiration and encouragement, but if I ‘m not in the mood to read them, I just delete them.  I don’t know what it is about the human mind that doing the same thing every day for a long time is to hard.  Some people are better at it than others.  It sure is hard for me. 

A little over a year ago, when I had yet another slightly high cholesterol result, I decided I was going to do something about it without medication, since I had heard stories of the side effects on others.  It rather scared me, too, than my ‘bad’ cholesterol was so high, as were the triglycerides.  So, because of the fear, at first it was easy to quit eating so much sugar and eat salad twice a day and not eat pasta.  The weight just fell off and I was so pleased.  I worked really hard, felt really pleased with myself ( a little much thinking of myself) and when I got the results in a year, my numbers were closer to where they should be.  And then my mind says, “oh, that was good, we can take a vacation!!”  And I did, all winter and gained most of that weight back, could hardly took at a salad, and felt bad for any bragging I had done about how good my self control was.  So, I really ought to get back where I was and I am finding it very hard not to eat some of the things I love.  I really love to eat.  I am only saved by my high metabolism from not weighing 200 pounds!  I don’t know if I am ready to start again, since whatever I do about my eating needs to last the rest of my life.  But I will start with the no bedtime snacks, baby steps, one thing at a time.

I don’t know if the beginning is easier than the middle for you.  But I will think about you at bedtime for sure"

Re-reading this has been very interesting.  I have gained more weight yet, and my metabolism is slowing down more.  This was written a few years ago, and I have decided I need to start again.  I am a little bit worried about my sugar intake this time, but I'm really going baby steps this time. I'm walking at least 25 minutes every day, and thinking about what I'm eating, even if it is things I probably shouldn't.  I need to do a lot more, but I'm not going to think about that yet.  My ultimate goal is eating less sugar and fitness. 

Avoiding Real Life Doesn't Help

I'm an avoider.  I don't like to face any problems head on, I would rather drift off into no man's land and pretend they never happened.

That said, I don't really want to live that way.  If you want to go through life in a numbed state of consciousness, not only will you miss things, but you won't enjoy them either.  You will come to the end of your life and wonder what happened.  It would be a sorry thing to never have loved enough, enjoyed enough, suffered enough, to make a difference in your own life, and well as others.

I am looking at the beginning of a new year, just around the corner.  I have had a pretty good month.  There have been good days and bad ones.  Thankfully, no "stop the world, I want to get off" moments.  It helps to be busy.  I'm looking after grandkids again.  So, I'm more organized.  There are some days I can't plan on getting anything done, so meals and jobs need to be prepared for and completed ahead of time.  Anything I DO get done on those days, is a bonus.

I'm happier doing things this way.  It feels good at the end of the day, to sit down and reflect.  Everybody ate, the dishes are done, the laundry is done, and the house is tidy.   (Not perfect, just tidy) And on those days, when I spend the entire day out, doing errands, my part-time job and grocery shopping, I just remember, how lucky I am to have the health, and energy to do the work I can do to keep my home managed and my family happier.

It's Hard to Grow Up

It is amazing the way a mind works. I know that when it comes to being a teenager that anything they feel is about 10 times what you feel as an adult, partly because they don't have the experience to put life's triumphs and disappointments in perspective, but also because their brains aren't fully developed.  The part that deals with being reasonable hasn't kicked in yet.  I know when I was a kid I was afraid of about everything.  I worried about things that were unlikely to happen as well.  It did, however, keep me out of a lot of trouble. The one thing I remember very clearly was that I didn't want to do anything or be anywhere that would make me lose control of myself or my circumstances.  I had a lot of respect that was tempered with fear of my parents.  Oh, there were things that I would change about my growing up, and there where things that I didn't do because my parents did.  One thing I wish for now in raising my own kids, is that I would have made them a little more afraid of me.  It helps them keep on the straight and narrow.
Anyway, we are living with a situation that I never thought  I would have to.  This situation of having a child leave home in less than ideal circumstances, and with the thought that my child is out there telling people that we are bad people, is rather hard to take.  And he isn't being very nice to us either.
I know I let the kids manipulate me more than they should have.   I guess I wasn't smart enough or confident enough to know what was going on, and after the fact, it is hard to go back and fix it.  I'm not sure if he is going to battle with a plan or if it is just a product of a mind that is trying very hard to get what he wants by working on other people and us.  He is telling other people untruths about how he left home and they are believing him.  I don't have much respect for the people he is with.  I wonder about people who are willing to take in a teenager on the strength of his word alone.  I think that he as well as his champions are just trying to intimidate us.  If they really thought something should be done, wouldn't they call social services?
Anyway, I am being very careful what I say to anyone, what I text to him or anyone wanting to know about him.  I have written down what happened on that fateful night.
I just wonder where his mind is.  Does he really believe what he says about us, what the facts are, what really happened?  I know that when one looks back on events, children especially get a twisted view that is all tangles up in their feelings. I can't really explain what I am thinking.  He is a very proud, stubborn kid.  If he is waiting for us to beg him to come home, it isn't going to happen.  I've told him several times that he can come home. I am limiting contact, because I'm not going to let him be rude to me. I feel very sorry for him.  All he can see is the version of events as he sees it.  I suppose it is something like he has to do that in his own mind, so he doesn't have to admit that he is wrong.  It is too bad that life is going to have to teach him what we can't.
 For awhile now, he hasn't been wanting any guidance from us, or any house rules.  You know the ones, "I want to know where you are, who you are with, and where you are going, and what you are going to do while you are there.  And come home at curfew and go to school."  I didn't realize I was such an evil person. No wonder he left.